ripped by antsh
[music]
- THE ONLY PERSON I WOULD EVER SEE MY FATHER LAUGH AT OUT LOUD
ON TELEVISION WAS JONATHAN WINTERS.
- JONATHAN WINTERS, RIGHT. - HUGE.
- DIDN'T BREATHE. YEAH. - YEAH, MY DAD WOULD BE...
[chortles, guffaws] - RIGHT.
- HE'S GONNA GO! - [laughs]
- YEAH, HE WOULD DO THE LITTLE THING ABOUT--
ONCE HE PLAYED A VERY GAY GAME--BIG GAME HUNTER.
"WHAT DO YOU HUNT?" [effeminate] "MAINLY SQUIRRELS."
"HOW DO YOU-- WHAT DO YOU AIM FOR?"
"USUALLY THEIR LITTLE NUTS."
AND THEY WENT, "THIS GUY WORKS." - THAT'S GREAT.
ROBIN WILLIAMS SAID HE WOULD HAVE NO CAREER
IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU. HE SAID JUST--
- THAT'S TRUE.
NO, NO...
I GUESS YOU READ MY BOOK ON HUMILITY.
STILL ON THE ONE PAGE.
UH, NO, HE DID SAY THIS:
HE SAID TO THE PRESS, UP UNTIL FAIRLY RECENTLY,
"JONATHAN WINTERS IS MY MENTOR."
AND I CORRECTED HIM.
BETTER TO SAY "IDOL." THEY GET THAT RIGHT AWAY.
- I REALIZED WHEN KNOWING JONATHAN NOW
THAT JONATHAN WAS, LIKE, BEFORE THE TECHNOLOGY WAS MORPHING,
THAT HE COULD CHANGE HIMSELF,
AND HE KIND OF WOULD TRANSFORM HIS FACE--
HIS VOICE, BUT HIS FACE, TOO.
IT'S WEIRD WHEN YOU SEE JONATHAN WHEN HE BECOMES THAT OLD LADY,
HE REALLY DOES.
IT DOESN'T TAKE MUCH, YOU KNOW.
HE LEAVES MESSAGES ON MY PHONE, AND IT JUST--
[imitates old man voice] "HI, ROBIN, IT'S JOHN.
I'M SITTING IN A HOT TUB FULL OF INDIAN WOODEN HEAD DINGLES."
- [laughs] YES. - "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
AND SOME GUY AT A GUN SHOW-- HE WENT TO A GUN SHOW,
AND A GUY SAID, "MR. WINTERS, DO YOU COLLECT GUNS?"
HE SAID, "NO, I LOVE GRENADES. THEY'RE SO MUCH MORE EFFECTIVE."
YOU COULD SEE THIS GUY JUST GO, LIKE,
"OH, FUCK!"
- AND JONATHAN WINTERS--
HE WAS KNOWN FOR HIS IMPROVISATION.
- HUGE.
I MEAN, I WOULD SEE HIM GO ON THE TONIGHT SHOW,
AND, YOU KNOW, JUST NAIL PAAR. - YEAH.
WELL, HE WOULD TAKE PROPS AND MAKE UP STORIES.
- OH, YEAH, THAT WAS MY FAVORITE PART.
- DO SOMETHING WITH THIS STICK.
I WANT YOU TO DO A ROUTINE WITH THE STICK.
YOU CAN GIVE HIM ANYTHING.
- [whooshes, clicks tongue]
WELL, THAT WAS A PRETTY GOOD CAST, WASN'T IT, BOB?
I THINK WE'RE ON TO SOMETHING THIS TIME.
MM-HMM.
I'M SORRY, MARGARET. TRY TO SWIM.
SEND IN THOSE BIG CATS. [laughter]
[imitates whiplash]
UH, SEND IN THE SMALLER ONES.
DOCTOR, I'M NOT KIDDING.
I SEEN THEM BEETLES, AND THIS IS ONE OF THEIR FEELERS.
[imitates Native American chanting]
START THE EVINRUDE.
[imitates boat motor]
[imitates spear whoosh]
THE UNITED NATIONS...
NOW RECOGNIZES THE DELEGATE FROM MAZATLAN.
[laughter, applause]
- I HOSTED A THING CALLED THE YOUNG COMEDIANS,
AND IT WAS YOUR FIRST-- ONE OF YOUR FIRST APPEARANCES.
AND I'D NEVER SEEN ANYONE DO THIS BEFORE.
I INTRODUCED YOU, AND WE'RE ALL ON CAMERA,
AND YOU CAME THROUGH THE AUDIENCE.
AND YOU WERE-- IT WAS SHAKESPEAREAN.
YOU WERE BEING A-- - OH, YEAH.
I USED TO DO THAT.
- AND IT WAS JUST BRILLIANT.
- AYE.
'TIS A BLEAK NIGHT.
LOOK!
THE MOON, LIKE A TESTICLE, HANGS LOW IN THE SKY.
AND LOOK.
A GENTLE ROSE.
DYING HERE, ANON, LIKE MYSELF.
AYE-- OOH!
WOULD THAT MY PRICK HAD SUCH STING.
AND YOU, GENTLE ROSE, TORN ASUNDER LIKE THUS.
LOOK.
BE NOT AFRAID. LOOK WHAT I MADE FOR YOU IN SHOP.
I WONDER, HENCE,
BACKWARDS, PAST MY FRIENDS, WHO GOGGLE AT ME AND SAY,
"I KNOW THE FOOL WELL."
PAST THOSE WHO DRINK WINE, PAST LEISURE SUIT,
PAST GUCCI, PAST ALL OF THIS,
PAST CRITICS WHO WRITE STRANGE THINGS.
BACK HERE, PAST HAIRY MEN THAT I KNOW TOO WELL.
OUTWARD, THUS.
'TIS BETTER TO DIE OUT HERE AMONG YOUR FRIENDS
THAN UP THERE IN THE HEAT.
I LEARNED EARLY ON THAT IF YOU STAY IN ONE PLACE,
YOU'RE A TARGET, AND THAT THE IDEA--
AND ALSO IF PEOPLE MESSED WITH YOU,
WADE INTO THEM. - YES.
- AND ALSO--AND IF YOU--
AND IF THE PEOPLE IN THE FRONT ARE BEING NASTY,
MAKE THE FRONT ROW THE SHITTY SEATS
AND GO BACK TO THE SHITTY SEATS, AND THEY'LL BE LIKE,
"YEAH, YOU'RE WITH US, DUDE!"
- RIGHT. YEAH, RIGHT.
- AND YOU CAN START TO CHANGE PERSPECTIVE.
- IN OTHER WORDS, IF A SECTION ISN'T WORKING,
YOU--YOU MOVE INTO THEM.
- BIG TIME. WADE INTO THEM LITERALLY.
- YEAH, IT'S THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT PEOPLE THINK.
THEY THINK, OH, YOU GO AWAY AND YOU PLAY THE REST OF THE ROOM.
NO, YOU PLAY THE HARD ROOM. AND YOU FORGET ABOUT THE--
- YEAH, YOU PLAY, OR YOU WADE INTO THEM.
YOU CAN ATTACK, OR LIKE, TALK ABOUT THEM,
WADE INTO THEM LITERALLY, TAKE THINGS FROM THEM,
PLAY OFF OF THEM.
AND THEN THE WEIRD THING IS THAT BECOMES...
THEY--SOME--IT'LL WORK, AND OTHER TIMES IT WON'T.
THEY'LL BECOME MORE HOSTILE, OR THEY CAN BE PART OF THE ACT.
YOU KNOW, AND I DIDN'T LIKE WORKING WITH, YOU KNOW,
THE MIC, JUST STANDING WITH THE MIC, 'CAUSE I--
I'VE BEEN TRAINED AT JUILLIARD, SO THE IDEA THAT I COULD SPEAK
LOUD ENOUGH SO THAT YOU COULD HEAR ME!
RIGHT NOW THE SOUND GUY'S GOING, "NO SHIT!"
BUT THE IDEA OF GETTING OFF THE STAGE, DOING THAT PROJECTING,
KIND OF MADE PEOPLE GO, "OH."
- YEAH.
- IT ALMOST MADE FUN OF THE TRAINING I GOT AT JUILLIARD,
BUT AT THE SAME TIME, YOU KNOW, REALLY ENUNCIATE FOR NO REASON.
SO GOOD TO SAY "FORESKIN" IN IAMBIC.
- [laughs]
- "BUT YET, GENTLE FRIEND." "WHAT, FESTE?"
"BRING FORWARD. WHAT IS YOUR NAME?"
"RUMPLEFORE."
"BRING HIM NOT HERE, CUNNING LINGUIST.
HAVE YOU NOT KNOWN WHY?"
- CUNNING LINGUIST.
[old-time jazz music]
[music]
- I DID TWO PLAYS IN HIGH SCHOOL.
THOUGHT I WAS FAIRLY GOOD LOOKING.
I WASN'T PRETTY, BUT I WAS CUTE.
AND I DIDN'T HAVE THIS PUMPKIN KIND OF LOOK.
I HAD CHISELED FEATURES, AND, UH,
WHEN I SMILED, PEOPLE WENT, "OH."
BOTH GIRLS AND BOYS.
BUT AT ANY RATE, I STARTED IN RADIO IN DAYTON.
JOHNNY WINTERS SHOW. 6:00 TO 8:00 I WAS THEIR DJ.
- SO YOU PLAYED RECORDS OF WHATEVER--
- MM-HMM, NAT KING COLE AND STAN KENTON, WHATEVER.
IT'S NOT EASY IN DAYTON TO GET NEIL ARMSTRONG RIGHT AWAY,
OR GROUCHO, OR ANYBODY.
IT'S JUST--YOU GET SOMEBODY WITH AGRICULTURAL EQUIPMENT.
"WE'RE--WE'RE--WE'RE WITH INTERNATIONAL HARVESTER,
"AND THE WEATHER'S BEEN SO BAD
WE HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO DO ANY ALFALFA WORK."
YOU LOSE PEOPLE IN DROVES.
- PEOPLE AREN'T INTERESTED IN THAT, RIGHT.
- SO I INTERVIEWED MYSELF.
I'D SAY, "HERE'S, UM, WING COMMANDER LOUIS BRIGHTON,
"WHO FLEW A SECRET AIRCRAFT INTO DAYTON.
WHAT WAS IT LIKE COMING IN OVERNIGHT?"
[British accent] "IT WAS FANTASTIC.
"I'VE FLOWN OVER INDIA, I'VE FLOWN OVER CAIRO,
"OVER GERMANY...
"AND FLYING OVER DAYTON...
"WAS LIKE FLYING OVER MILLIONS OF DIAMONDS
ON A BLACK VELVET CARPET."
THEN THE PRODUCER CAME UP.
"WHO IS THIS GUY THAT YOU INTERVIEWED?"
AND I SAID, "IT'S ME."
"DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE.
STAY WITH NAT COLE."
- PUT ON NAT COLE RECORDS. - THAT'S RIGHT.
TIME AND TEMPERATURE IS ALL WE WANT.
DON'T--STOP BEING CUTE.
SO THAT WAS THE BEGINNING OF REJECTION.
- YES.
- SO THE LONGEST JOB I HAD
WAS 2 1/2 YEARS AT WBNS IN COLUMBUS.
AND I WENT IN FOR A $5 RAISE.
AND THEY SAID, "WE THOUGHT YOU HAD A FAIR AMOUNT OF TALENT,
"BUT YOUR RATINGS HAVEN'T KEPT UP WITH THE COLUMBUS AREA.
MAYBE YOU'RE A LITTLE TOO SMART FOR THE ROOM."
SO I SAID, "ESPECIALLY THIS ONE."
- [laughs]
- AND, UH...
I WENT TO NEW YORK, AND--WITH 56 BUCKS.
AND I TURNED TO A GUY AND SAID,
"HOW FAR IS IT TO THE MUSEUM OF MODERN ART?"
"DO I LOOK LIKE A FRIGGIN' TOUR GUIDE? HUH?"
I SAID TO THE DRIVER,
"IS THE GORILLA STILL ON TOP OF THE BUILDING?"
"NO GORILLA. THERE'S NO GORILLA UP THERE. THAT WAS A MOVIE."
"YOU'RE KIDDING.
"THAT WAS A REAL GORILLA, WE WERE TOLD,
'CAUSE MY FRIEND WAS A PILOT WHO GUNNED HIM DOWN, FINALLY."
- THAT'S GREAT. - "WHAT KIND O' PILOT IS HE?"
WELL, HE LET ME OUT.
- YEAH, OF COURSE. OF COURSE.
- AND ALMOST TO WHERE I LIVED.
[old-time jazz music]
[music]
- YOU KNOW, ROBIN, PAULA POUNDSTONE--
I INTERVIEWED PAULA POUNDSTONE--
- OH, MY GOD, MAN, SHE'S THE BEST.
- AND I SAID--I ASKED HER WHO HER INFLUENCES WERE,
SHE SAID YOU, PERIOD.
- SERIOUS? - ABSOLUTELY.
AND SHE SAID THE CLUB THAT SHE WORKED IN IN SAN FRANCISCO,
YOU WOULD COME IN AND DO A SET FROM TIME TO TIME.
- OH, WE HAD FUN. IT WAS SWEET. THE OTHER CAFE.
AND IT WAS JUST THE STRANGEST NEIGHBORHOOD.
YOU KNOW, IT WAS KIND OF LIKE A REALLY WONDERFUL GAME PRESERVE
WITH PEOPLE KIND OF WANDERING IN.
"THE UNICORNS ARE OUT!
AND I OWN THE CLUB. COME ON IN!"
AND A HARDCORE LESBIAN BAR UP THE STREET,
AND I GUESS THEY TOLD THIS ONE COMIC,
"YOU KNOW, THERE'S A BAR UP THE STREET
WITH SOME REALLY GREAT CHICKS."
AND HE WALKED INTO THIS BAR, AND THESE BIG WOMEN NAMED BETTY
KINDA WENT, "I DON'T THINK THIS IS YOUR NIGHT."
- [laughs]
- SO THAT ALWAYS GAVE YOU A SENSE OF--
THAT WAS THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
AND THE CLUBS THEMSELVES WERE PRETTY STRANGE.
THE AUDIENCES...
SOME OF THEM WERE, LIKE--
INITIALLY, 'CAUSE A LOT OF THE CLUBS ARE LIKE
FOLK MUSIC BARS THAT HAD COMEDY.
YOU KNOW, INITIALLY, THE HECKLING WAS LIKE,
"INTERESTING CONCEPT." "THANK YOU."
- YES.
- "TALK MORE ABOUT YOUR EARLIER YEARS."
YEAH, AND THEN THERE'S THE BOARDING HOUSE.
- YES. I-I-I PLAYED THERE TOO. - YEAH.
- DID YOU WORK AT THE BOARDING HOUSE?
- OH, YEAH. - YOU KNOW, I-I-I DID--
I REMEMBER DOING A SET THERE, AND IT WAS A--
I HAD A--JUST A GREAT NIGHT.
AND I IMPROVISED, AND I WAS BOLD,
AND JUST REALLY EXCITED ABOUT IT.
AND THE NEXT MORNING, I'M ON THE PLANE,
AND I'M GOING BACK TO L.A.,
AND A GUY OPENS THE EXAMINER,
AND I SEE "STEINBERG" ON THE ENTERTAINMENT PAGE.
AND I KNOW HE'S READING THE REVIEW
OF THIS INCREDIBLE EVENING I HAD LAST NIGHT.
SO, YOU KNOW, IT'S SORT OF BOORISH TO SAY...
- "MAY I?" - RIGHT.
- BUT I JUST-- I WAS SO EXCITED ABOUT THE SHOW,
I SAID, YOU KNOW, "DO YOU MIND IF I TAKE A LOOK AT THIS?"
HE SAID, "OH, REALLY? THAT WAS YOU LAST NIGHT?"
AND HE GIVES ME THIS THING.
IT WAS THE WORST REVIEW I'VE EVER READ.
IT'S--THE HEADLINE WAS, "STEINBERG: ME, ME, ME."
- [laughs]
AT THAT POINT, YOU'RE GOING, "WHY, WHY, WHY?"
- EXACTLY. - OH, GOD.
- I MEAN, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE DOING STAND-UP,
YOU'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT YOURSELF A LITTLE BIT.
- OH, YEAH, JUST A TOUCH.
- I MEAN, WHO ELSE AM I GONNA TALK ABOUT?
- THERE WAS A GUY, JOHN WASSERMAN--
- IT WAS JOHN WASSERMAN. - OH, YEAH, HE CAN BE VICIOUS.
AND HE TORE-- TORE ME MANY A NEW ORIFICES.
- [laughs]
- UNTIL I FINALLY DID ONE SHOW WHERE I DID WELL,
AND IT WAS--WHEN I GOT A GOOD REVIEW, IT WAS LIKE,
"OH! HE--HE'S NOT HURTING ME ANYMORE!
"DADDY LIKES ME!
I'M DOING BETTER NOW. I'M READY FOR MY CLOSE-UP."
[old-time jazz music]
[music]
- ONE THING I FOUND OUT EARLY IN MY CAREER...
I DID THESE IMPRESSIONS,
AND A GUY, UH, WHO WORKED THE CURTAIN,
OR IT WHATEVER WAS,
SAID AFTER THE SHOW, "CAN I TALK TO YOU, JONATHAN?"
"SURE."
HE SAID, "WHAT YOU'RE DOING IS EXCELLENT.
"YOUR IMPRESSIONS ARE THE BEST.
"BUT REMEMBER WHOM YOU'RE DOING. THEY'RE STARS, YOU'RE NOT.
"YOU'RE SHINING THEIR SHOES. THEY'VE ALREADY MADE IT BIG.
"WHY DON'T YOU DO CHARACTERS THAT YOU GREW UP WITH,
"OR PEOPLE IN THE BUS STATION...
START FINDING THESE CHARACTERS. THEY'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE."
SO, HE WAS RIGHT, AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED.
RONNIE, I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN.
THERE'S SO MUCH TO SAY TO YOU, AND...
AND TO KNOW THAT-- YOU KNOW, BACK IN TAMPICO,
I WAS 19 YEARS OLD, AND YOU WERE...
YOU WERE ABOUT 12.
AND MY, WHEN I LOOK AT YOU, AND I THINK HOW GRAY MY HAIR IS,
AND HOW SANDY YOURS IS.
- [laughs]
- I WOULDN'T IMAGINE YOU--
YOU TOUCH IT JUST A LITTLE, DON'T YOU, RONNIE?
OH...
WHAT A JOY YOU WERE.
I REM--YOU KNOW MR. HOTCHBURGER, YOU REMEMBER HIM?
HE...
HE'S DEAD.
- MAUDE FRICKERT. - MAUDE FRICKERT.
- NOW, CARSON DID A CHARACTER VERY SIMILAR TO MAUDE FRICKERT.
- OH, YEAH. AUNT BLABBY.
- AUNT BLABBY. WAS THAT SIMILAR TO MAUDE FRICKERT IN SOME WAY?
HE WAS CERTAINLY INFLUENCED BY YOU.
- YEAH.
- I'M CERTAIN HE WOULD SAY THAT AS WELL.
- AUNT BLABBY WAS HIS OWN. - RIGHT.
- MAUDE FRICKERT WAS KIND OF-- WASN'T A DIRTY OLD LADY,
BUT SHE WAS A NAUGHTY OLD LADY.
- DO A LITTLE MAUDE FRICKERT FOR ME.
- "MISS FRICKERT,
WE UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED EIGHT TIMES."
"YES, I HAVE.
"TWO WERE ITALIAN, AND KILLED PEOPLE AT NIGHT.
"I-I THOUGHT THEY WERE WITH THE CHURCH.
I MADE A MISTAKE."
[old-time jazz music]
[music]
- ROBIN, IN THE MOVIES THAT YOU WATCHED WHEN YOU WERE A KID,
WAS THERE SOMEONE THAT--
ANY OF THOSE THAT STOOD OUT?
- PETER SELLERS. - PETER SELLERS.
DID ALL THE CHARACTERS.
- THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN DR. STRANGELOVE.
- MM-HMM. YEAH, THAT CHARACTER.
- AND IN TERMS OF JUST COMEDY DUOS,
I MEAN, THE MARX BROTHERS WERE JUST, LIKE, SHEER CRAZIES.
BUT WHEN YOU WATCH A WHOLE MARX BROTHERS MOVIE,
YOU REALIZE THERE'S A LOT OF DOWNTIME
IN-BETWEEN THE GREAT BITS. - THE STORY GETS IN THE WAY.
- BUT THE GREATEST ARE LAUREL AND HARDY.
THEY'RE REALLY LOVELY FOR SHORT, HARDCORE BURST OF REALLY FUNNY.
- AND WORKS RIGHT NOW, IF YOU-- - TOTALLY.
AND WORKS ON THE SIMPLEST LEVEL
OF ONE'S GOT IT TOGETHER, THE OTHER ONE DOESN'T.
AND IT'S LIKE-- [imitates Laurel whining]
AND YOU CAN EVEN DO THEM BUYING CRACK.
[imitating Hardy] "WHAT DID I TELL YOU?"
"I DIDN'T MEAN TO BUY THE CRACK."
"OH, YOU BOUGHT CRACK, DIDN'T YOU?" [grunts]
"WHAT IS IT CUT WITH?"
"I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS CUT WITH BABY LAXATIVE."
"AND NOW I'M COVERED IN SHIT. [grunts]
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE NOW? ALL OVER ME."
[grunts three times]
- IT'S A SHAME NO ONE KNOWS LAUREL AND HARDY ANYMORE.
- [laughs]
BUT THEY KNOW CRACK.
- RIGHT.
- IT WAS LIKE, OH, THE SAME AS THE MARX BROTHERS
SELLING--WHAT'RE YOU DOING?
"HEY-CHA, WHAT'D YOU BUY? RUSTY, WHAT'D YOU BUY?
"WHAT IS THIS?" "STUFFY." "WHAT IS IT?"
"THAT'S A BIT O' SPEED."
"HEY, THAT'S-A NO GOOD." "WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?"
"YOUR TEETH." "WHAT?" "YOUR TEETH ARE FALLIN' OUT."
"HEY... HEY, THAT'S-A NO GOOD."
- THAT'S GREAT.
- "YOU DOING THE CRYSTAL METH.
HEY-CHA, STUFF YOU LIKE. [music] WE'RE GOING TO EAT IT [music]"
"GET AWAY FROM ME, MANGO VITTI, YOU'RE CRACKIN' MY EYES OUT.
"I CAN HEAR YOUR TEETH GRINDING FROM HERE,
AND IT SOUNDS LIKE A BAD COFFEE BLENDER."
- SO YOU SAW ALL THESE MOVIES LATER ON.
- YEAH, TOTALLY.
- 'CAUSE YOU COULDN'T SEE THEM AT THE TIME, OF COURSE.
BUT YOU LOOK BACK AT THEM.
- I LOOK BACK AT ALL THOSE AND-- - THEY'RE A LITTLE CREAKY,
BUT AT LEAST YOU COULD SEE WHAT CONNECTED TO THE AUDIENCE.
- YOU COULD SEE GREAT COMEDY.
AND ALSO WHEN YOU SEE, LIKE, SOME LIKE IT HOT,
BUT THAT'S LIKE--
- THAT'S A MASTERPIECE.
- OH, GOD, MAN.
BUT WITH THE COMIC COMICS--
I MEAN, I NEVER WATCHED THE THREE STOOGES,
BUT I KNOW GUYS WHO LIVE BY THEM.
- RIGHT. YES. - AND LOVED IT.
AND YOU KNOW, I JUST MAINLY FOUND THEM TO BE--
THEY'RE REALLY NASTY TO EACH OTHER.
"WOW!" "ARE YA NUTS?"
AND IF YOU HAD A THREE STOOGES DONE BY TARANTINO...
"WHY, YOU NUMBSKULL!" [imitates slicing]
"WHAA!"
"WHY, I'LL TEAR YOUR EYES OUT!"
- REAL BLOOD, RIGHT. - REAL BLOOD.
- WELL, YOU KNOW, SOME LIKE IT HOT
HAD TO BE SOMEWHAT OF AN INFLUENCE
WHEN YOU WERE DOING MRS. DOUBTFIRE, RIGHT?
- DOUBTFIRE BEING IN DRAG, NO, THAT WAS--
YEAH, MAYBE A LITTLE BIT OF THAT,
BUT WITH THE DRAG CHARACTER IN DOUBTFIRE IT WAS MORE LIKE...
WELL, IT STARTED OFF BEING--
SOUNDING LIKE MARGARET THATCHER ON 'ROIDS.
- RIGHT.
- SHE WAS LIKE, [British accent] "OH, VERY MUCH!"
AND THAT'LL SCARE A CHILD. - RIGHT.
- SO I KIND OF SOFTENED HER VOICE UP,
BASED HER ON A SCOTTISH DIRECTOR AND AN ENGLISH COSTUME DESIGNER.
[soft Scottish accent] THEN SHE BECAME ALMOST LIKE THIS.
KIND OF SEXY IN A BIG, NASTY WAY.
I'D LIKE A STRAP-ON, SOMETHING LIKE A MAN DILDO, REALLY.
- YES.
- YOU'RE JUST GOING, "OH, MY GOD.
GRANDMA HAS A STRAP-ON." "AND I DO, DEAR.
"SOMETIMES I GO BAREBACK.
LIKE TO SPLIT THE MUFFIN, AS IT WERE."
[old-time jazz music]
[music]
- JONATHAN, WHEN YOU DID MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD, RIGHT?
- YES. YEAH.
- WAS THAT A GOOD EXPERIENCE FOR YOU?
- OH, GOD, YEAH.
I'D HAD A BREAKDOWN.
AND NOT BECAUSE OF BOOZE OR DRUGS, UH, JUST STRESS.
IT COST ME EIGHT MONTHS.
GUY WOULDN'T GIVE ME A LABEL-- BIPOLAR, MANIC DEPRESSIVE.
- THEY DIDN'T--THEY DIDN'T KNOW IT AT THE TIME, PROBABLY.
- I-I-I WOULD GUESS THEY DIDN'T KNOW IT.
- SO, YOU WERE IN A HOSPITAL FOR EIGHT MONTHS.
- YEAH.
I GOT OUT APRIL 1st, '62.
AND I'M WITH THE KIDS IN MAMARONECK AND EILEEN.
AND SHE SAID, "STANLEY KRAMER'S ON THE PHONE.
PRODUCER DOING A BIG PICTURE. YOU BETTER TALK TO HIM."
"STANLEY KRAMER. MY GOD, THIS IS A BIG NAME."
"JONATHAN, I WANT YOU FOR A PICTURE. MAD WORLD.
"SPENCER TRACY, AND WE'VE GOT BUDDY AND ROONEY,
"AND WANT YOU FOR ONE OF THE LEADS.
COULD YOU COME OUT HERE PRETTY SOON?"
I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER BEEN MORE SCARED IN MY LIFE
BECAUSE I--I'D BEEN EIGHT MONTHS INSIDE.
SO I SAID, "I DON'T THINK I CAN DO IT, HONEY. I'M SCARED.
I HAVEN'T LEARNED ANY LINES, I..."
AND SHE SAID, "JOHN, IF YOU DON'T TAKE THIS,
YOU'LL NEVER WORK AGAIN."
SHE WAS RIGHT.
- MM-HMM.
- SO I WENT TO WORK FOR KRAMER, AND WE BECAME GREAT FRIENDS.
THREE OR FOUR WEEKS INTO THE PICTURE, I SAID,
"DID YOU KNOW I WAS IN A MENTAL INSTITUTION FOR EIGHT MONTHS?"
"SURE."
I SAID, "AND YOU TOOK A CHANCE ON ME."
SO, IT WAS A HARD--
MY RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS GUY WAS UNIQUE,
BECAUSE HE DID TAKE A CHANCE ON ME.
- AND IT'S SUCH AN ACT OF FAITH AND FRIENDSHIP TO DO THAT.
- YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT. YEAH. - IT'S WONDERFUL.
SO--SO, ROBIN, TALK ABOUT YOUR HEART STUFF.
- OH, THE NEW HEART. - YEAH, THE NEW HEART.
- OH, IT'S NICE TO HAVE ONE. YOU KNOW, IT'S THE...
THEY GIVE YOU CHOICES.
YOU KNOW, THEY COME IN AND THEY SAY,
"HERE ARE SOME OPTIONS FOR A NEW VALVE."
IT'S WEIRD TO SAY YOU HAVE A BLOWN VALVE,
WHICH MAKES YOU THINK LIKE YOU'RE A TOYOTA.
YOU KNOW.
I FOUND MYSELF IN TRAFFIC, I COULDN'T STOP!
BUT IT WAS THIS WEIRD-- "YOU MUST BRING YOUR HEART IN,
WE WILL ROOK AT IT AND MAKE FOR YOU."
BUT IT WAS LIKE, UH...
THE VALVE JUST--I WENT IN, AND I DID, LIKE, A STRESS TEST.
I WAS ON THE TREADMILL FOR A MINUTE, AND I WENT,
[tiny voice] "OKAY, THANKS."
AND THEN THEY STARTED TO DO THIS ANGIOGRAM,
WHICH I DIDN'T KNOW WAS ACTUALLY--THEY GO--
THEY GO UP TO YOUR HEART, BUT THROUGH YOUR GROIN.
- YES. - YES.
MANY PEOPLE ARE GOING-- AND MANY PEOPLE ARE GOING,
"I DIDN'T KNOW THAT," AND MANY WOMEN ARE GOING,
"THAT'S ALWAYS THE WAY TO A MAN'S HEART."
BUT THE IDEA OF...
AND THEN THEY START SAYING, "HERE ARE YOUR CHOICES.
"YOU HAVE A NEW--YOU CAN HAVE A--A PORCINE VALVE, A PIG VALVE,
WHICH WOULD BE--"
AND ALL MY JEWISH FRIENDS ARE GOING, "DON'T.
DON'T--DON'T-- DON'T BE TREIF."
BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS YOU CAN FIND TRUFFLES.
AND THEN THEY OFFERED A MECHANICAL HEART,
WHICH IS KIND OF--BUT IT CLICKS, AND I'VE TALKED TO PEOPLE
WHO HAVE THEM IN, 'CAUSE IT'S THE MIDDLE--
THEY'LL BE ASLEEP AT NIGHT, IT'LL BE--[clicks tongue]
IT'S LIKE YOU HAVE A LITTLE MORSE CODE GUY GOING [clicks].
EVEN THE SQUIRRELS ARE GOING, "DON'T GET THAT HEART."
AND THEN I WENT WITH A BOVINE HEART,
WHICH IS MADE FROM COW HEART,
WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A MEL GIBSON MOVIE.
[Scottish accent] COWHEART.
AND I HAD IT IN CLEVELAND. CLEVELAND CLINIC.
- YES, THAT'S WELL-KNOWN. - WELL-KNOWN HOSPITAL.
GREAT HOSPITAL.
THE WEIRD THING IS WHEN YOU WAKE UP FROM SURGERY
YOU'RE A TAD OUT OF IT.
AND I KEPT--I WOKE UP AND WENT, "WHERE AM I?"
AND THEY WENT, "CLEVELAND."
"WHY?" [laughs]
IT WAS JUST THIS WEIRD THING OF--"OH, OH, OH! FUCK. GREAT."
- DID IT FEEL DIFFERENT TO BE ONSTAGE RIGHT AFTER THAT?
- YEAH, IT WAS A BIT LIKE, "UM, I'M BACK.
...KIND OF."
BUT IT WAS LIKE, YOU KNOW-- IT WAS GOOD TO BE BACK.
YOU KIND OF PACE-- PACE MYSELF.
BUT AT LEAST FIND STUFF THAT WOULD BE--
BACK OFF ON IT A LITTLE BIT.
'CAUSE I WOULD DO--SOME THINGS WOULD BE SO PHYSICAL, LITERALLY.
THERE'S A PIECE I DO IN THE ACT WHERE I WOULD TALK ABOUT...
ONE THING THAT'S NOT YOUR FRIEND AFTER HEART SURGERY IS VIAGRA.
IT'S A BIT LIKE A CIVIL WAR REENACTMENT IN A WHEELCHAIR.
AND YOU KIND OF...
THE MOMENT YOU TAKE IT,
ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOUR PENIS IS GOING,
"I'M 25!" AND YOUR HEART'S GOING, "BULLSHIT!"
- [laughs]
- AND YOU WOULD LITERALLY BE DOING THIS THING OF--
"YEAH, BABY, YEA-- AAH! OH!"
"ARE YOU COMING?" "NO, I'M DYING!"
IT'S THAT WEIRD THING OF, LIKE...
BUT THAT WAS, LIKE, BUILT FROM REALITY OF, LIKE, OKAY--
BUT I WOULD BE DOING THAT ONSTAGE GOING, "I REALLY AM!"
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
- THAT'D BE THE POINT--THAT'S WHERE THE METHOD ACTOR GOES,
"SOME GOOD WORK. I REALLY SAW FEAR."
- JONATHAN, I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT A PLEASURE IT IS
TO BE WITH YOU, AND SEE YOU AGAIN.
AND WE'RE OLD FRIENDS, AND I--
YOU'RE AS BRILLIANT NOW AS YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN.
- I JUST THINK IT'S GREAT TO BE SITTING HERE,
AND ALL THESE YOUNG PEOPLE, GOD BLESS 'EM, ARE SAYING...
"WHO IS HE?"
- [laughs]
- THANK YOU. GOD BLESS YA.
- L'CHAIM. - L'CHAIM.
AN OLD--AN OLD NAVAJO WORD.
YOU REMEMBER CHIEF SITTING SHIVA.
"THIS IS MY WIFE, SITS WITH A FULL HOUSE.
WE'VE OPENED A CASINO."
- CHIEF SITTING SHIVA.
[imitates Native American chanting with Hebrew sounds]
HO.
[old-time jazz music]
[music]